My father had these pictures framed a few months ago. He proudly showed me his piece of art and explained the logic behind it. He said that life is simple… At the break of dawn, the sun rises and provides us a chance of a new beginning. We wake up with hope in our hearts. The day passes with us working, even to the point of breaking our backs, if only to reach that goal of a better life. And by the time the Sun sets, we are like majestic birds with wings spread out as we try to fly to back to where we truly belong.

If I had the chance to add one more though, I’d put a small picture of a family in between. Everything we work for becomes more meaningful when we do it for the people we love. I have always believed that life becomes more significant when you learn to eliminate the words ME and I from your vocabulary and replace it with YOU and US.

-- I have seen my Dad in his best and his worst. His hair has turned gray but his soul is strong. He has showed me how it is to hold your ground and be brave. So whenever he talks to me about life, I listen.

The wee hours of the morning can really make me think about everything and I realize there are so many things I still have to learn. You and I are both young and we will surely make mistakes but what’s important is we try to get up, learn and live for the people in our lives.

You can't always present a smile every day. Sometimes you need to show the world you're also a bad-ass bitch. Knock them out cold if you have to but do it without losing your dignity.

-- perfect the art of smiling with a raised eyebrow. That should be enough to send a message that yes, you are a good person BUT you're not someone the world should mess with. wink*

It has been raining cats and dogs the whole afternoon. I found myself looking out the window and staring at the trees while the sound of the rain gently swept me away to another world...I saw myself wearing a long white dress. John Lennon's song 'Woman' played at the background while I slowly walked down an aisle adorned with beautiful red roses. As I reached the altar and was about to reach for the hand of a wonderful man....BANG!..the door flew open...."MAMA! May star ako!"

-- Joaquin is back from his Saturday classes. He really knows when to wake Mama from dreaming.

A small fact and a dose of unsolicited advice.

The fact: 

I’m sure most of you know The Beatles, right? Have you ever tried to listen to their song – Come Together? It’s a funky song but if you read the lyrics, you will find it difficult to understand what it means. Lines like “HE GOT MONKEY-FINGER, HE SHOOT COCA-COLA” and “HE ONE MOJO FILTER. HE SAY ONE AND ONE AND ONE IS THREE” would sort of give you just a hunch these boys at the time may have been so high with LSD and cocaine that it manifested in the way the song was written. Seriously though, it’s not really the case. Each stanza actually describes the four members of the band. Using figures of speech, John Lennon tried to present all of them to the world in weird slang language, hoping that somehow, it would unite the band and have people understand who they really were as individuals.

Now for the piece of advice:

Each one of us is born unique. Unless you use your own DNA to have yourself cloned, no one can follow your blueprint. Some present themselves as plain as white paper and there are so many others who come as messy graffitis. You are like an idiomatic expression that has to be deciphered in order to be understood.

Life is meant to be lived with the purpose of learning from each other. Our world actually serves as a big box where we all come together. Be very slow when you judge people. You may find a great person hiding underneath. Understand and you shall be understood. Learn to respect and you shall be given the same.

-- Gems are not found on the surface of the Earth. You find them by digging deeper.

I used to lock myself in Daddy's library and read away. While my sister and brother spent time with their friends, I spent my summers drowning in books when I was young. I remember closing my eyes and pulling out any book that my fingers touched. From literature to history... down to learning the sign language of the alphabet, I learned it all through reading. To so many, I didn't have a social life but to me, those were the best years. 

-- don't depend on the net alone. Teach your kids to love books. Who knows, they might grow up posting status messages like this someday.

So I lost my hour glass figure when I had my first baby. That pretty black dress may forever be lonely inside my closet. No bikinis kase baka isipin may built-in salbabida ako. And when I look at my body in the mirror, I smile 'cause it reminds me of tadpoles I watch in Animal Planet. When I laugh, my belly looks like an ocean after a really devastating earthquake -- with twin tsunamis rushing back and forth.

Some women cry about it, some just don't care anymore -- I belong to the latter. You see, it's my constant reminder of motherhood. My fat belly signifies that a living child once grew inside of me...and the Tiger stripes on the sides remind me of how brave I was through it all.

-- so yeah, who cares if I have to hold my breath for pictures or go blue trying to close my zipper? I'm a MOMMY and I'm happy. I'm not a size 26 anymore...I'm a 34 and proud of it.

Remember when I said your simple posts can touch lives? I know mine did in a very beautiful way. 

This is Pat Pat. She read my post and did her best to contact me. She calls me Ate Apple and sends me messages since I talked to her through PM the other day. You think it would be that easy for a 19-year old to do that but not her...she has Muscular Dystrophy. She told me she used to attend ballet classes but after getting sick, she can't walk anymore. She never stopped requesting that I see her today until I finally had time to hop in my car and visit her even for a few minutes.

I can imagine everything has changed since she was diagnosed with the disease but regardless of what she's going through, she still has that BRIGHT smile on her face.

This is a beautiful day. It's Joaquin's birthday and even if my little boy has a nasty toothache, we were blessed to meet a wonderful person.

You want to know what BRAVE means? Ask Pat Pat. 

My mom and I decided to eat at Jollibee - One Mercedes Avenue after a grueling hour at the local market today. I was really starving and couldn’t care less if I had to stand in line. I usually don’t listen and just order away but this service crew caught my attention. Her name is Jhaz Bormate. She greeted me with an eager smile and her exceptionally SMILING EYES – a sincere gesture I don’t really see in people who should be working in the line of customer service. After paying for my order, I did not even bother to count my change and went straight to the table where my mom was sitting. After a minute, I got up and washed my hands. While I was doing so, I was surprised to see Miss Bormate standing behind me holding a P100 bill. She handed me the money and with all apologies, she said “kulang po ng P100 yung change nyo kanina.” There were more than 50 people in the store and seeing how I mindlessly put the change in my pocket, she could’ve just kept the money. Instead of taking advantage of the situation, she left her post at the counter and looked for me in the crowd just so she can give back what she owed.

Once in a while, you come across strangers who prove to be worthy of a commendation and this young lady is one of them. Trustworthiness is rare these days. Let’s face it, most people would think twice before they do a random act of kindness such as this one. It’s only a small amount but voluntarily giving it back helped her earn so much of my RESPECT.

No matter how crooked the world may seem to be, there’s still a handful of GOOD people out there. And I take my hat off to people like Miss Bormate who value honesty and exemplify INTEGRITY.

Raise the roof, Jhaz. I hope someday, you’ll be able to spread your wings and fly higher. You deserve it.

For my FATHER...

I was only 20 years old when I got pregnant with Miguel. I remember feeling so angry, confused and scared. Being a rebellious kid, I refused to cry despite the gravity of what I got myself into. My dad called for me and asked me to come to the library so we could talk. Hinahanda ko na yung mga pisngi ko nun in anticipation that my dad would slap me on the face. I sat beside him

and was waiting for the most hurtful words but instead of raising his voice, he tapped my tummy and gently said, “May apo na pala ako dyan.” That was the only time I finally gave in and cried in his arms.

That moment in my turbulent young life officially made me a certified Daddy’s girl.

I am already 35 years old but STILL, my dad tucks me in bed. He makes sure I have a blanket to keep me warm. He loves touching my forehead, fixes my hair and still says the words “I love you” before he leaves my side.

He was and still is my greatest supporter. Happy Father's Day! Love you.

Let me share with you an experience I had years back when I was still working as a call center agent. I had the privilege of sharing this online but the site closed down before I could even retrieve anything.

About five years ago, I worked as an inbound call center agent in a BPO located in Taguig City. I had already submitted my resignation and only had roughly a week to finish my contract. I was down to my last two hours before my shift ended so I was quite tired and my voice cracked once in a while. I received a call from a client who lives in Canada. As usual, I said my opening spiel and asked what the problem was. He said he has a small concern about his account and wants certain changes. One thing about Filipinos, no matter how long they have stayed in a foreign country and embraced the native tongue, there’s still that distinct PINOY tone you will recognize when you talk to them over the phone. So I pulled up his account and I saw that his last name is MONTEMAYOR. I was quite happy knowing I was talking to a ‘kababayan’ and feeling a bit rebellious against company rules that we should never start conversations in Filipino, I politely asked if he’s from the Philippines. I was taken aback when he replied a strong NO. He said his last name is not pronounced as MON-TE-MA-YOR, but rather, it was MONT-ME-YER. Feeling quite annoyed that this man was so consumed with being a Canadian citizen that he didn’t want to be tagged as a Filipino, I apologized and went ahead in helping him make the changes in his account. Just as we were finishing the whole conversation, I heard women’s voices in the background. They were so loud that I could hear them trying to say something to the client I was talking to. To my amusement, the women were talking in FILIPINO! The man was obviously trying to hush the exceptionally loud ladies but his efforts were worthless. I already heard the language they were speaking and at the back of my mind, I was proudly telling myself “SCORE for Apple. Huli na kita, Manong.”

One thing about me though, I do not like humiliating people when I prove myself right in any situation…but I WILL find a way to make you admit what you’ve been trying to hide. So I pretended not to hear anything and finished my business. Like a robot programmed to say the same words over and over again, I reluctantly said my closing spiel and asked him if there was anything else I can do for him. When he said no, I took the chance of saying the words “Alright then, MARAMING SALAMAT PO.” You can’t imagine how much I wanted to give a sarcastic laugh when he mindlessly said “WALANG ANUMAN.”

-- Mr. MONTMEYER is actually Ginoong MONTEMAYOR.

Tomorrow is Philippine Independence Day. As we try to wave our little flags with the 3 stars and the Sun, I hope we also try to rekindle that PRIDE of being PINOY. No matter where you are in the world, never be ashamed of who you are and where you came from. The Philippines is a beautiful country and being PINOY is something you should always be proud of.

My parents sent me to an exclusive school when I was young. It was and still IS one of the best. I spent 13 long years in St. Paul Pasig and not once did I feel that my parents didn’t provide what I needed. When I was in High School, my mom would give me P100 for my daily allowance. That was the time when the Pop Swatch was a must and knitted socks from Marks and Spencer was considered highly fashionable. I graduated a happy 17-year-old kid but I was completely unaware of what life really was outside that comfort zone.

Today, despite feeling unwell, is laundry day until I read this article on the front page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer. I just had to drop everything, grab the Mac and share this online. It was just a short article but it was worth every second of my time. The story of this boy is so touching that it made me realize everything I had when I was his age and everything he doesn’t have compared to privileged kids today. His name is Charls Bryan Katipunan – son of a taxi driver. I’m guessing a P50-Mc Savers meal is already considered a ‘once in a blue moon’ treat for someone like him. On his graduation day, he delivered his speech and told his story with much pride and not out of self-pity. He said his piece with hope that he could give a positive example for those aspiring to finish their studies. He experienced the hardships and he graduated TOP OF HIS CLASS.

Charls is an example of how tough the Filipino spirit is. He didn’t have the ‘luho’ I had while growing up but he lived up to his name -- Katipunan – one who dared to rebel against the prevailing situation and work for something only the toughest of the tough can achieve. It gives you a feeling of pride to read about Filipinos who stood the test and won. It also makes you wonder how many more could be like him IF ONLY they could go to school.

Call me a dreamer but I sincerely hope the Philippines would produce more like him through EXCELLENT and FREE education. Countless times we hear people in government promising food on the table of every Filipino family. What the poor Juan Dela Cruz does not realize is he’s just like a burdened mule feeding on straw from the hands of his master. If you provide housing and funds for business, you’ll just have the Filipino depend on what government can give. PROVIDE EDUCATION and you give the Filipino the power to be self-sufficient.

Charls’ story is worth sharing. The story of a simple boy who struggled can spark much awareness in a society that is lukewarm to this basic need of underprivileged Filipino children.

-- It is not enough that we feed the hungry stomachs of our children. It is also our responsibility to feed their minds.

Damn you.

People can be such HYPOCRITES.

You don't treat someone as roadkill and speed away like nothing happened. You don't do that and start liking posts on Facebook about God and being a righteous person.

That's how you do it.

When somebody you've loved and served with all your soul leaves you, it's okay to be mad. It's normal to be angry for a time.

You should give yourself the chance to feel hate and resentment. Emotions that are deemed negative can always turn out to be your means to move forward.  It serves as a block for you to look back and start remembering things that belong in the past; it stops your tears from falling again and again. The world dictates that you should learn to forgive to set yourself free -- that is true...but that part comes only AFTER you've satisfied yourself of your right to shout out all the anger in your heart. You can't possibly feel so much pain and rejection and suddenly jump to forgiving when you know you deserve justice.  

If they leave, let them. Never beg. Never stand in front of  a door that has already been shut and locked to keep you out. And if you think of retribution by getting back at the people who've made you feel like shit, STOP. Giving yourself 'justified justice' does not mean stooping down and becoming too cheap. Let yourself be immersed in silent anger and let that feeling turn into unbreakable PRIDE. 

Love is just an emotion. You can turn things around and make it work to your advantage. Keep your heart on a tight leash for a while and let your goddamn brain work for once. Think of it this way: If you yearn to breathe fresh air in the midst of all the smoke, try to suck it all in first. Let the stench linger for a while. The more you expose yourself to intoxicating fumes, the more your body becomes immune. That ability to withstand everything becomes your growing armor. 

It's only in the beginning that people will forget you; it's only in the first stages of letting go that they'll treat you as non-existent. But so long as you've planted the best memories in their minds, trust me, even the coldest of hearts turn warm in time. In the process of letting anger overcome you, help yourself regain what you may have lost. Look at your image in the mirror and convince yourself that you are worth every goddamn respect. That overwhelming feeling of resentment will mold you into someone tougher; the feeling releases strength you have hidden in your system. By the time people realize what they lost, you'll be swimming in what you've gained. 

Forgiveness will come at the proper time. Don't force it. Remember that you cannot completely forgive when you have a broken soul. Premature forgiveness only satisfies THEM and leaves you drowning in self-pity. Forcing yourself too early to forgive and forget is like giving them the privilege of washing their dirty hands and get away scot-free. In real life, you know that is not what you want. 

Pick up the pieces first and mend your wounds. If you have to use pride and anger as adhesives, DO IT. Let time naturally sweep away all the negative feelings in your heart. It will happen without you knowing it. When it finally heals, you won't feel anger anymore. What's left is a very strong heart -- one that is willing to go to battle with a tough armor; one that is ready to LOVE again.  

This is not called bitterness. This is just how you deal with it in real life.

Something from 2006..

The hardest thing about trust is not the part when you’re trying to earn it… It’s the part when you foolishly lose it. It’s like glass - - shiny and exquisite - - but when you scratch it, the damage that’s been made is embedded forever. No matter how beautiful it was crafted, what is visible only to the heart is the mark which signifies deceit and pain.

Love doesn't have to be this hard. It doesn't have to hurt real bad. Love is beautiful; it’s the second greatest thing to having life…But why does it give me pain? Am I spreading my love too thick or have I lost my identity in the midst of giving it my all? Love and trust always go together, as I know. One without the other is dangerously incomplete… fatal even to the strongest relationships. Love alone will not stand—for trust is the pillar, the foundation of all things worthy in any commitment. How do you cope with love knowing there's the absence of trust?... if the former is present but the latter is shattered. 

Unfortunate events have paved the way for me to feel miserably doubtful of everything I've worked for in life. Small voices in my head relentlessly whisper nasty pictures of deception. And the feeling grows intense the more I try to rid myself of these wearying thoughts. I find that every day is a struggle. Each turning of the clock signals the start of bloody confrontations of the pros and cons in my head. I am trying to hold on as much as I can, but at times, I give in to the weakness of being a mere mortal. I can feel the fragility of my heart that even the most harmless words may deliver the hardest blow. I am stepping on the threshold of severe emotional instability, yet nobody’s there to give me an assuring hand.

Within me is an empty heart, one that feels numb and somewhat cold. Something was lost...or probably died down. I want to get it back but I don’t know how. I want to be strong but frailty creeps through my veins. Nobody should be made to feel rubbish like I do. This is how I am punished. 

Recovery is remotely possible...at least for now. If I were to mend my heart, it would take time -- lots of it. I can bounce back but I know I won't be the same anymore.

Time will tell. 

For better or for worse...til death to us part?

A dear friend asked me to write down my thoughts on the proposed Divorce Bill in Congress.

I have to say, airing my thoughts would be tantamount to opening Pandora’s Box and reopening avenues in my heart I have indefinitely closed down for repairs. This is too close to home but then again, keeping my mouth shut would also mean pretending to be blind to an issue even I would have to deal with sooner or later. I am typing this down while hearing my loser neighbor shouting at the top of his lungs and throwing a crisp “putangi@a mo!” to his pregnant wife. If I can’t run him over and make it look like an accident, I still fantasize of one day being able to punch him in the face and break his goddamn nose. Seriously, he picked a perfect time to make me hear his horrendous curses again.

The word DIVORCE is still considered taboo in the Philippines. I’m not surprised at all. Exceptionally strong Catholic beliefs handed down to us by our forefathers have prevented this country to even touch on the subject.  You must be cunning enough not be tagged as the Devil should you lobby in favor of the bill in Congress. But while I understand that the FAMILY is deemed most sacred in Philippine culture, I can’t close my eyes to the injustices done WITHIN this basic unit in society.

Let’s get down and dirty, shall we? – In the Philippines, more than 50% of cases filed in court are due to domestic violence against women. You’re talking about more than a thousand souls yearning to have their day in court and defend themselves against abusive husbands. These are countless women forcing back the tears while telling stories of how they were abused, maltreated and battered by men who swore in front of God to love, protect and cherish them. Sad to say, these men seem to have skipped the idea that they’re SUPPOSED to keep that promise for the rest of their breathing days.  

Protecting the sanctity of the Filipino family is a good thing. I believe that… But I also believe that before you can build a fortress around the family, you need to zero in on the INDIVIDUAL first. The primary thing any State should provide is a person’s basic human rights and seriously, when it boils down to the marriage of two individuals, there are not enough provisions in Philippine law books to address that.  Sure, you can file an annulment and pray that your claim of ‘psychological incapacity’ breaks through -- but what if you can’t prove that? What if your case falls in the hands of the wrong judge? You end up with no choice but to carry the name of a man you have grown to see as a hindrance to your personal peace. Divorce, however, changes that. The Bill clearly defines the grounds for abolishing a marriage. Simply explained, it provides the woman more options other than claiming that she married a lunatic.

As much as we want to follow the teachings of the Church, we also need to understand that you cannot build a strong family when the core is a dysfunctional bond between a wife and a husband. There has to be a strong sense of mutual respect between a man and a woman for them to nurture a real family. If you don’t have that, tons of effort and gallons of tears will not save a marriage. You end up with two estranged individuals – and most of the time, it is the wife who bears the entire burden. She becomes the punching bag, the shock-absorber and the recipient of hurtful words even a sewer rat can’t swallow. Ultimately, she morphs into the fool who played by the rules – and failed miserably. With that in mind, would you still think it’s still justified for people to say that DIVORCE is not good? How can we claim that we respect our women when we can’t even give her FULL benefits of the law in a failed marriage?

It is so easy for people to think you are too weak when you give up on a relationship. The world is too quick to judge people who seek to terminate their marriage. I can’t blame them. They are only spectators watching a battle between David and Goliath. I can honestly tell you though – it is far different when you’re the one in the middle of the messy situation – when all your efforts have gone to waste because the other refuses to meet you in the middle. I guess most Filipinos are still wrapped in this idea that whatever God has joined together, no man should tear apart. I say that is not ENTIRELY true. We are human beings equipped with brilliant minds to think. We are not robots programmed to do things and NOT feel any emotion at all. There are things that are not meant to last; there are things we need to let go in order to start a better life. Being boxed up by the law and your fears of what the world may say is not what the Lord wants. God wants you to be happy too. And if it means cutting the bond, then so be it.

If I may play with simple words, consider it this way: You can only build a kingdom when there is a king and a queen who rules side by side. You can’t make it grow gloriously when one is sitting at the throne and the other is locked up in a cold dungeon. Soon, something is going to give and you’ll have a battle as bloody as hell – and your children, being the witness to it all, MAY grow up emotionally disturbed and lost – if not rebellious in many ways.

I say these words because I have gone through that before. I understand how it feels and I respect women who have lived through the worst and survived to tell their tale. I am lucky though because I was able to forge a friendship with the father of my kids. We may live separate lives but in the eyes of our children, we are still family. Some are not as lucky as I am. So many still drown in their tears at night; so many end up black and blue; and so many become emotionally and mentally unstable.

Unless you know how painful it feels to be shoved to the wall with nowhere else to go; to be spat at; to drink two or three pills to kill the pain; to accept rejection; and to fall on your knees because of a load too heavy to carry,  YOU have NO right to tell me I am wrong.

This is for the women who feel they have no voice. This is for my son-of-a-b@tch-neighbour’s pregnant wife. This is for my good friend, Cherrypie. 

Tubbataha Reef

For the hungry minds:

Something fishy…

There’s probably more value underneath a coral reef that was moulded through thousands of years than we know of. If such classified information falls on greedy hands, you should expect something to happen. Voila! We now have USS Guardian ramming and destroying more than 1000 square meters of the protected site.

Certainly, we are far from capable in digging up what’s precious underneath Philippine waters and Tubbataha Reef, being protected by International Laws by virtue of it being listed a World Heritage Site, is virtually untouchable. So how do you unearth what’s hidden all that coral without getting your hands dirty? – You ask the world’s SUPER POWER to do it for you.  No, they will not come armed with C4 explosives and detonate it under the sea. All they’ll need is to sacrifice a naval warship to clear the area and dig up something probably worth 1000 times greater than a 277 million dollar chunk of steel.

Will we ever get to know what’s really cooking? Of course not – that’s classified.

See, the best way to hide something is to put it out in the open – something I learned from author Robert Greene. I may be thinking too much but then again, I may have just learned to open my mind wider than my eyes. Everything you need to know is printed in black and white. It all depends on how much YOU, the reader, are willing to let go of that “engineered ignorance” brilliantly embedded in our minds by unseen yet very powerful hands.

Indeed, some are REALLY smarter than others. 

A Very WHITE Christmas indeed.

And now we have the Senate President who played Saint Nicholas and gave a whopping P30 Million to his fellow Senators. 

If you try to read today’s newspaper,   understanding this bribery issue looming in Senate will not be that easy -- especially for the below average Filipino. It’s unethical, to say the least, but when you talk about endless provisions in the Constitution, the LAW makes it sound legitimate. If you take the side of the politicians, you’d probably be convinced well enough that it’s just part of allocating funds that were left untouched by the office of Noynoy Aquino when he vacated the 24th spot in Senate to assume the highest seat in government. BUT when you take the side of the simple masses, the word BRIBING would definitely take the place of ALLOCATING and what is considered LAWFUL is UNJUST – plain and simple.

Let me tell you a short story that touched my heart in many ways -- Last Christmas, our home help approached me and asked if she could grab a few minutes of my time. Judging from the look on her face, I knew she needed money. I was bracing myself to adjust my already depleted budget and lend her P1,000 just so I can extend much needed help. I thought to myself --“Bahala na. Pasko naman, keribels lang yan.” So the day went by and every time she passed in front of me, I would give her that signal that it’s okay for us to talk. By mid –afternoon, I was sipping coffee with my headphones blasting in my ears when out of nowhere, she tapped me on the shoulder and said “Maam Apple, pwede ko po ba kayong makausap?” I smiled and asked her what the problem was. She was teary-eyed and her voice was trembling. I knew she was trying so hard to muster up every ounce of courage to say how much money she was hoping to ask from me. I didn’t want to prolong her burden so I said “Sige na, Angie. Magkano ba yan para mahusgahan na natin yang problema na yan.” So she looked at me and said “Maam, nahihiya ako pero makikiusap po sana ako sa inyo. Pwede po ba ako makahiram sa inyo ng ONE HUNDRED pesos? Wala na talaga akong mahiraman at kailangan lang po ng anak ko.” I looked at her straight in the eyes and laughed! Naknampoodle naman, Universe! For a mere P100, she was an inch closer to bursting into tears and practically beg! I gave her more than what she asked for and then she said she’d pay me back. Tumatawa ako when I told her “Angie, huwag na. Tumigil ka na sa pag-emote. Sasabunutan kita eh. Pinatagal mo pa. Kapag ganyan, magsasabi agad. Haist!”

With that story in mind, I read every line of the news today with so much disgust in my heart. You have millions of Filipinos fighting to survive. Last Christmas alone, you have thousands of calamity victims who lost their homes and yet, we hear of politicians exchanging monetary gifts as if it came out of their own pockets. And may I say that accepting the questionable amount is just as bad as giving. Imagine -- P1.6 million if you have been good; P250 thousand if you weren’t. MOTHER OF ALL……….how in heaven’s name can you ever accept such injustice? And don’t tell me the Commission on Audit will still review how Senate handled the disbursement of funds. Sick bureaucracy will have the issue buried 100 feet below the ground before any modern Robin Hood dares to expose every damn detail to the general public.

Absolute equality is JUST an IDEA. In real life, it is never really ‘achievable’. In Philippine society, the Jaguars and Benzes will always be miles apart from the simple pedicabs and karitons…but even if such conditions prevail, these people in government - AT THE VERY LEAST- should have played their dirty cards closer to their even dirtier chests. This is like those alleged stories of the Marcos family holding lavish banquets with fountains flowing with expensive champagne while the rest of the nation struggled to keep food on the table. I’m guessing that a few months from now, the lucky recipients and their families would be posting tons of pictures on their private Facebook accounts – pictures of themselves fashionably strutting their stuff in private resorts and other expensive destinations while the poor Filipino taxpayer is perpetually neck-deep in debt.    

It’s all in a day’s work in Senate. You don’t reach that coveted spot for nothing. Clearly, these people know what they’re doing and they’re damn good at it. Clap clap clap.

P.S. When you go out and vote this coming election, be SMART. Stupidity is strictly prohibited. 

1% Inspiration, 99% Courage..

..when I was in grade 7, I was very poor in English. I remember being called by a teacher and she laughed when I said something which was grammatically incorrect. I felt the horror of humiliation and the thought of spending the rest of my miserable life in the school I never thought of as my second home...but I took that as a challenge. I told myself f*ck subject-verb agreements --I'll learn in my own way. So I started to read pocketbooks until my eyes begged for sleep. I watched English based movies and shows on TV. Imagine watching Batibot and forcing yourself to switch channels and look for Sesame Street instead. Brenda Walsh wasn't my favorite character in Beverly Hills 90210 but I remember mimicking how she spoke. Thanks to Judith McNaught, the unknown authors of Colliers and Doogie Howser, I was able embrace the habit of reading and listening. More than 20 years after, I don't get laughed at or tremble when I speak the language. Yes, I do have occasional nosebleeds when I speak but not as much as I did before. Happy enough to say that the little girl who belittled herself would, in her college days, be asked to edit articles WRITTEN by the editor-in-chief for the college paper, got nominated in the college council twice, got invited to be an English/Speech trainer for call center agents though she's still an undergraduate, write articles on the net and even be asked to compose a speech for her already brilliant lawyer sister. I'm writing this down not because I want to be pompous. I am far from being all-wise. This is because I feel humbled at what I was able to do despite my fear. It's a small feat compared to others but conquering that part of my life changed how I perceived things. 

This is for a special friend who needs a little push. I didn't get it right the first, second or third time. There were countless moments when placing a paper bag over my head was the only thing I wanted to do...but then I realized, how the hell am I supposed to breathe if I do that? And so, I had to put so much effort in order to learn new things and RELEARN things that were already taught to me when I was younger. 

The thing with GOALS, it's always a few feet ahead of us. If we want it, we have to walk a little faster..and if needed, we have to RUN. Our dreams will not stop and wait for us..it will not walk backwards just so we can catch up.

YOU, my friend, have so much to offer. Don't listen to the world's b*llsh*t. Listen to your own voice and make IT happen. Remember that there is no point in dreaming if you won't be brave enough to take the first step. Damn it, life is too short. Do your best to be the greatest you can ever be while you still can.

aww..CHOWDER!

I was driving in Manila a while ago when I saw a Honda Jazz that was swerving all over the road. The driver was obviously showing off his driving skills and his flashy car. What really caught my attention was this huge sticker on the rear windshield which says: "GOOD BOYS DON'T WEAR DARK TINT" -- referring to the tint on car windows boys install to conceal their monkey business. So I took the liberty of driving a little faster just to get a glimpse of the annoying driver. Tag me as nasty but when I saw his face, it was like seeing Cartoon Network's CHOWDER come alive! I was all smiles by the time I overtook him and only had one thing on my mind --Dude, if ever you DO have a girlfriend with that face and arrogance, you SHOULD be a good boy. ;)

Triggerhappy

I haven’t been watching local news programs lately because I feel I don’t need added stress… but as I was trying to negotiate with my stomach and make it accept oatmeal instead of my usual rice and ulam, there it was, in bold black letters on the front page of Saturday’s paper – “My ninong shot me.”

It’s that topic you don’t really want to talk about. It’s that issue you wish you never had to think of -- People killing people.

I was very young when the country was rocked with the news of a family massacred in their home in Paranaque – women gagged, raped and then brutally murdered. I remember finding it hard to sleep at night for fear that strangers with knives would come into our house and rip out the life in our small and quiet family. Many summers have passed and I was able to push aside that gruesome thought in my head but I have to admit, I don’t sleep until I am so sure all the doors are locked and it has been second nature for me to jump out of bed whenever I hear the slightest noise in the wee hours of the morning. I sincerely wish I never have to feel the same kind of fear but here I am again, bombarded with unwanted worries of whether it really is safe out there.

The world poured out their condolences when a deranged gunman decided to open fire at children in a small school in Connecticut. I even posted a status message because I was so moved by the pain the parents must have felt. Being Filipino, I was thankful we don’t really have that kind of violence in our country because, as I grew up to believe, we are a fun-loving nation. Damn it, I was dead wrong. A few days after a single bullet claimed the life of a little girl, a few more from a .45 Calibre went flying and killed several people in a small community in Cavite. You would never expect that from Filipinos. It is 2013. You won’t expect an Asiong Salonga roaming the streets with a gun in his hand and fires at will.

School for my two boys will start again on Monday. I feel happy and blessed I got to spend time with them but I AM scared. I wonder if it’s safe for my kids to go out. I wonder if the school is safe. I suddenly feel uneasy knowing I’ll be giving other people the responsibility of taking care of my children when they are at school. Miguel even tried to ask permission to go out today but I gave him a big NO. All these worries suddenly rushed out of a well I thought would never open.

I have friends on Facebook who are gun owners. You people know who you are. I only have one request: RESPECT LIFE. In the martial law days, government placed big boxes along Recto Avenue for gun owners to simply surrender their guns – NO questions asked. My God, I won’t hesitate to push for that should government impose that rule again. I have never believed in guns as a means to protect life. It only has two purposes: to IMMOBILIZE or to ultimately KILL. It may be fun pulling the trigger but remember NOT to point the damned thing on people. If you think you are man enough to hold a gun, then be MAN enough to KEEP IT where it belongs.

My sincere condolences to the families who have lost their loved ones. You should be spending time with them right now. They should be facing 2013 with hope in their hearts. I hope their senseless deaths will not be buried and forgotten.

Headphones up..

What can I say? -- 2012 has been a roller coaster ride for Mansanas. I have been reflecting on how I survived the entire year through the songs I have listened to for 12 months. Sometimes, when you can’t express it in your own words, you just let the likes of Michael Buble, Pink, Rolling Stones and Maroon 5 say it for you..

I have aged but that doesn't really mean I have grown wiser. You see, when WE ARE YOUNG, we tend to think we’re MR. KNOW IT ALL. Being in your mid-30’s, you seem to grab this certain attitude to RAISE YOUR GLASS regardless if you have been a LITTLE BAD GIRL or in other words -- a little UNWELL. Your young age justifies your idea of yourself as THE MAN WHO CAN’T BE MOVED. You have certain tendencies to JUST SAY YES because you think “hey, I’ll only live once so VIVA LA VIDA!” 

In the case of Apple Jolo, she has always felt she’s been LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN for too long. There have been countless times when she felt like building STARSHIPS and buy herself a ticket TO THE MOON AND BACK. In the craziest moments when she felt her EVERY TEARDROP IS A WATERFALL, she would tell herself to RUNAWAY BABY! And if someone told her to “CALL ME, MAYBE?” – she would definitely say there is not a single PAYPHONE at the place where she is going. 

That was Apple before. This is me now. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I told myself to get up and KICK ASS. Instead of burying myself alive, I will stand up and build my own SKYSCRAPER. Yes, IT WILL RAIN, but IT’S MY LIFE. It is up to me whether I light up my sky or totally PAINT IT BLACK. In my mind, I will say to the people who have caused me pain to BLOW ME ONE LAST KISS ‘cause someday, they will remember me as THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY.

See, I have grown to understand that you can never ask respect from people if you can’t even give it yourself. Ounces of pride and self-respect made Apple let go of that desperate dream that SHE WILL BE LOVED. I realized that there is no need for the word ‘will’ anymore. I am already loved by two wonderful boys in my life -- I was just too blind to see. I am LUCKY to have Miguel and Joaquin by my side. They have loved their Mama UNDERNEATH IT ALL. This is the PART OF ME nobody but the Lord can take away. 

The lessons taught to me this year will always be TATTOOED ON MY MIND. If I failed once, SO WHAT? I will UNBREAK MY HEART and LIVE TO TELL. When I look back, I just smile and thank God I came out alive. I may never have it all but I still believe I will be ROLLING IN THE DEEP one sweet day. 

So to the Universe, let this message be clear: I WILL SURVIVE because I was BORN THIS WAY. I shall end 2012 shaking my booty GANGNAM STYLE because I am brave… I’m SEXY AND I KNOW IT. ;)

Happy New Year to all of you! ;)

Blinding beliefs

Our civilization has grown so much that we have come to the point where we think we know better than our Almighty Father. We foolishly set this countdown to apocalypse based on predictions by human beings like us -- imperfect and unwise.

My mother used to tell me that when I was just a baby, she almost lost me. She told me I couldn't breathe and I had turned violet in her arms. Because of shock, my grandmother who had just suffered a stroke and was partially paralyzed was the one who took me to the hospital. By the time someone examined me, I was clinically dead. Through great faith and God's love, both women in my life prayed and I started to breathe again. Science will never be able to explain that.

I am not a devout Catholic. I hardly go to mass because I want my conversations with God to be 'direct'... but I know I am a miracle. Regardless of what science tells me, only God knows when life starts and when life ends. I do not listen to people telling me the worst will happen. I only listen to God's voice in my heart.

As I've said before, should life cease to exist, why be afraid? The day we meet our end is the day we start eternal happiness with our Creator.

-- It's Christmas, people. It is not fair to spread pandemonium. It is unjust for everyone, especially our children. Don't upset this season because of your fears and doubts.

Live your life the way you are supposed to. Focus your attention on the people in your life. Love them NOW. If you are blessed enough, try to pay it forward for it to have great significance. Ask for forgiveness every chance you get and put all your trust in God -- and GOD ALONE. Only He knows.

Memories of Christmas

When I was a kid, my friends and I used to knock on gates in our village every night during Christmas and sing our hearts out. i remember looking for small cans, rubber bands and a small piece of plastic just so I can make a small musical instrument. Singing to the beat of our makeshift drums and maracas made of flattened bottle caps, I could only sing a few words -- "Pasko na naman, O kay tulin ng araw..Paskong nagdaan lalala lalalala!..."

The lanterns hung on every house back then seemed so big and colorful. It gave us all excited feelings whenever someone came out and gave us money. Every night, if we were lucky enough, each of us got a least P1.75. I remember feeling so rich having that MUCH money in my pocket. I would march to Aling Lorna's tindahan and buy candies which only cost .25 cents at the time. While the older kids were busy making pa-cute, little me and my friends laughed our bladders out while singing... and running if the dogs barked!

I wish my kids could experience what I was able to do when I was their age. It's not much but the beautiful memory stays with you. Like the Harana, ang karoling sa Pilipinas ay isang tradisyon na napaka-ganda at masarap sa pakiramdam -- lalo na kapag mga bata ang kumakanta.

We really have to thank the Lord for giving us this one month every year to be simply happy and blessed no matter how easy or tough life can be.

Again and again, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas! Sa Filipino, MALIGAYANG PASKO! God bless you all. :)

Deal with it.

The highways each of us travel were meant to be IMPERFECT.

The man you saw driving a flashy Camaro may be neck-deep in debt, the pretty lady you saw on tv may be hiding her heartaches behind her smile and the couple who looks so beautiful together may share the same roof but are living separate and lonely lives. It's just the same as looking at a woman you find unattractive who goes home to a husband who treats her like a queen, the construction worker who takes the heat of the Sun but is greeted by a loving family each night and the simple commuter who rides a jeep each day but is actually debt-free.

We can't have it all. A perfect life only happens in the movies. This is not to say we should be pessimists -- life's 'potholes' were meant to teach us, humble us and tap that built-in shock absorber God equipped us with. It's human nature to compare ourselves to others but remember that they have their own lives and you are blessed with yours. You will still be the one who will choose your path and it is still your hands that will hold the wheel.

So SMILE and PRAY. You may fall asleep but you're not done yet. Tomorrow is another day to prove to yourself you CAN make it. :)

ho..hummm...

My attitude will not depend on how I am treated. I am still me regardless if I am given a warm welcome OR a cold shoulder. The difference would be the distance. While I give so many friends the chance to see me smile at close range, there are others who'll need binoculars to do that.

Being TRUE

I just talked to a good friend who is somehow like me so I thought of sharing this...

Several years ago, at a time when I was trying so hard to recover from a soul-wrenching experience, I was invited to join
a bible study of some sort in Greenhills. My companion was a Chinese who told me it'll be good for me to strengthen my faith in God by spending time with other people who believe. Not wanting to be rude, I granted his request and attended one Sunday morning.

I can't describe the warmth of the people I met there. I was a complete stranger and felt so alienated but they made me feel like I'm a part of the family. They sang hymns of praise, jumped and clapped and rejoiced -- all in God's name. At one point, I wanted to cry but stubbornly held back the tears.

When I got home, I sat in my room and in complete silence, I prayed. I thanked Him for the experience and most of all, I APOLOGIZED. I told God that will be the first and the LAST time I will attend. I won't go back anymore.

I made that decision not because I was too proud. At that moment, I accepted that I lost a battle I tried so hard to fight -- I was down on my knees and with head on my hand, I accepted failure. I realized that it wasn't right for me to hide my pain by pretending to be happy in the company of other people. It wasn't right that I USE God to mask all the anger I felt in my heart. It wasn't right for me to give all of my burdens to God and let HIM do ALL the work for weak Apple.

I got up and told Him that if I ever find myself in that situation again someday, it'll be because I have recovered. I promised myself that my tears will have to stop. I swore to heal myself and prove to my Almighty Creator that despite everything I went through, I will stand up and live my life again. I told God that if I raise my hand and sing for Him, I want to make sure I am worthy.

It took me years to glue myself together again and here I am sharing to you a part of me I wish some of you will learn from. I may have rejected the idea of belonging to any religious group but by doing so, I learned to be stronger on my own and strengthened my relationship with the BOSS. I may not publicly show my faith but I know that my silent prayers and gentle whispers to God is equal to that of a whole crowd singing for Him.

Sometimes, you need to realize that you can't always ask Him to carry your cross. True healing will have to come from YOU. Don't mislead yourself by thinking you can feel happiness through support groups. Don't twist the word of God by thinking He alone will heal you. Remember that God gave us feet because He wants us to stand on our own. You have to that for yourself before you can stand in front of Him and sing praises.

If you have been hurt, teach yourself to let it go. There is wonderful freedom when you learn to forgive.

You will be the ONLY one who will free yourself from bondage and open your world to what is beautiful in life

Hay..LOVE..when?

I purposely did not watch Carmina and Zoren's wedding because I didn't want to cry...but dear YouTube made me change my mind.

There are no perfect love stories, no cherry blossoms every day. Being happy with the person you love today does not guarantee you laughter and smiles tomorrow. It takes so much dedication to make a relationship bloom. There will be tears along the way but what's important is you never let go. If you love someone with all that you are, it will always be an honor on your part to be the only person that special someone trusts -- when you become a beacon when the rest of the world seems too dark.

I have always believed in love based on strong friendship -- treat the person as your best friend. Be that someone's diary and dig deeper into the soul. Each day will be a single step you take and each step should be something worth remembering.

Time will come when you don't need words to understand how the person feels. All you need is a single glance and a smile that reassures you both that you are there for each other...through thick and thin...and not even death can tear you apart.

Open your heart, accept, LEARN... and everything beautiful will follow.

I can only wish every woman feels the way Carmina does...and every man loves his woman the way Zoren can.

Just a thought

So we didn't see any meteors falling from the sky last December 21st. No 100-foot tsunamis, no major earthquakes and no ghoulish zombies either. No one took out their cameras, snapped pictures of Mother Earth’s rage and scrambled to upload it on the web. I certainly felt better when I was able to sleep that day and wake up hearing birds chirping outside. Naglaba pa nga ako eh. But admit it -- for those who knew, the back pockets of your mind were tingling with thoughts of whether you’d survive or not. Am I right or AM I RIGHT? The day ended with posts on Facebook either thanking God or spreading jokes about the ancient Meso-American tribe that probably has gone bonkers over the stars and created a calendar that would scare the shit out of a civilization thousands of years later.

We all waved our little flags of victory by the time the clock struck 12 am the next day. I did not believe because I chose FAITH over man-made theories BUT with all honesty, I look at the stars differently now. If we separate religion from science, maybe…just MAYBE, the Mayans were just giving us a heads up of what’s going to happen.

So there I was, glued to History Channel and squeezing the juice out of my brain, trying to absorb what these scientists were trying to explain. And then, I started to think – I looked at an image of God hanging on my parent’s bedroom wall and asked myself -- AM I so sure I’d still be sitting in the same comfy spot tomorrow? Am I being TOO confident that God will save me? – enough for me to disregard the warning signs and be consumed with things that may NOT be there tomorrow?

Another year is about to reach its end. 2013 is fast approaching. Of course, you've probably asked yourself what happened to you for the last 12 months. You’re probably giving yourself a gentle pat on the back for surviving. -- You got over him. You got over her. You bought a new house. You bought a new car. You got that loan approved. You finally finished paying the mortgage. You got those bastard banks off your back. You want an Iphone 5. You want that Louise Vuitton bag. You want to lose weight. You want EVERYTHING. -- but does that all count?

Should LIFE flourish for a thousand years more, what will be YOUR story? … And if our Lord decides to reset everything, are you ready? Before I start sounding like an insurance agent, let me say these words: NOTHING is permanent. So just be thankful.

Let’s end this year with all our fingers still attached and with smiles on our faces… Let us end this year full of THANKS and HOPE in our hearts.

If you think 2012 was a walk in the park, I hope 2013 will be a walk in the clouds.

Again, HAPPY NEW YEAR and God bless all of you.