For better or for worse...til death to us part?

A dear friend asked me to write down my thoughts on the proposed Divorce Bill in Congress.

I have to say, airing my thoughts would be tantamount to opening Pandora’s Box and reopening avenues in my heart I have indefinitely closed down for repairs. This is too close to home but then again, keeping my mouth shut would also mean pretending to be blind to an issue even I would have to deal with sooner or later. I am typing this down while hearing my loser neighbor shouting at the top of his lungs and throwing a crisp “putangi@a mo!” to his pregnant wife. If I can’t run him over and make it look like an accident, I still fantasize of one day being able to punch him in the face and break his goddamn nose. Seriously, he picked a perfect time to make me hear his horrendous curses again.

The word DIVORCE is still considered taboo in the Philippines. I’m not surprised at all. Exceptionally strong Catholic beliefs handed down to us by our forefathers have prevented this country to even touch on the subject.  You must be cunning enough not be tagged as the Devil should you lobby in favor of the bill in Congress. But while I understand that the FAMILY is deemed most sacred in Philippine culture, I can’t close my eyes to the injustices done WITHIN this basic unit in society.

Let’s get down and dirty, shall we? – In the Philippines, more than 50% of cases filed in court are due to domestic violence against women. You’re talking about more than a thousand souls yearning to have their day in court and defend themselves against abusive husbands. These are countless women forcing back the tears while telling stories of how they were abused, maltreated and battered by men who swore in front of God to love, protect and cherish them. Sad to say, these men seem to have skipped the idea that they’re SUPPOSED to keep that promise for the rest of their breathing days.  

Protecting the sanctity of the Filipino family is a good thing. I believe that… But I also believe that before you can build a fortress around the family, you need to zero in on the INDIVIDUAL first. The primary thing any State should provide is a person’s basic human rights and seriously, when it boils down to the marriage of two individuals, there are not enough provisions in Philippine law books to address that.  Sure, you can file an annulment and pray that your claim of ‘psychological incapacity’ breaks through -- but what if you can’t prove that? What if your case falls in the hands of the wrong judge? You end up with no choice but to carry the name of a man you have grown to see as a hindrance to your personal peace. Divorce, however, changes that. The Bill clearly defines the grounds for abolishing a marriage. Simply explained, it provides the woman more options other than claiming that she married a lunatic.

As much as we want to follow the teachings of the Church, we also need to understand that you cannot build a strong family when the core is a dysfunctional bond between a wife and a husband. There has to be a strong sense of mutual respect between a man and a woman for them to nurture a real family. If you don’t have that, tons of effort and gallons of tears will not save a marriage. You end up with two estranged individuals – and most of the time, it is the wife who bears the entire burden. She becomes the punching bag, the shock-absorber and the recipient of hurtful words even a sewer rat can’t swallow. Ultimately, she morphs into the fool who played by the rules – and failed miserably. With that in mind, would you still think it’s still justified for people to say that DIVORCE is not good? How can we claim that we respect our women when we can’t even give her FULL benefits of the law in a failed marriage?

It is so easy for people to think you are too weak when you give up on a relationship. The world is too quick to judge people who seek to terminate their marriage. I can’t blame them. They are only spectators watching a battle between David and Goliath. I can honestly tell you though – it is far different when you’re the one in the middle of the messy situation – when all your efforts have gone to waste because the other refuses to meet you in the middle. I guess most Filipinos are still wrapped in this idea that whatever God has joined together, no man should tear apart. I say that is not ENTIRELY true. We are human beings equipped with brilliant minds to think. We are not robots programmed to do things and NOT feel any emotion at all. There are things that are not meant to last; there are things we need to let go in order to start a better life. Being boxed up by the law and your fears of what the world may say is not what the Lord wants. God wants you to be happy too. And if it means cutting the bond, then so be it.

If I may play with simple words, consider it this way: You can only build a kingdom when there is a king and a queen who rules side by side. You can’t make it grow gloriously when one is sitting at the throne and the other is locked up in a cold dungeon. Soon, something is going to give and you’ll have a battle as bloody as hell – and your children, being the witness to it all, MAY grow up emotionally disturbed and lost – if not rebellious in many ways.

I say these words because I have gone through that before. I understand how it feels and I respect women who have lived through the worst and survived to tell their tale. I am lucky though because I was able to forge a friendship with the father of my kids. We may live separate lives but in the eyes of our children, we are still family. Some are not as lucky as I am. So many still drown in their tears at night; so many end up black and blue; and so many become emotionally and mentally unstable.

Unless you know how painful it feels to be shoved to the wall with nowhere else to go; to be spat at; to drink two or three pills to kill the pain; to accept rejection; and to fall on your knees because of a load too heavy to carry,  YOU have NO right to tell me I am wrong.

This is for the women who feel they have no voice. This is for my son-of-a-b@tch-neighbour’s pregnant wife. This is for my good friend, Cherrypie.