Damn you.

People can be such HYPOCRITES.

You don't treat someone as roadkill and speed away like nothing happened. You don't do that and start liking posts on Facebook about God and being a righteous person.

That's how you do it.

When somebody you've loved and served with all your soul leaves you, it's okay to be mad. It's normal to be angry for a time.

You should give yourself the chance to feel hate and resentment. Emotions that are deemed negative can always turn out to be your means to move forward.  It serves as a block for you to look back and start remembering things that belong in the past; it stops your tears from falling again and again. The world dictates that you should learn to forgive to set yourself free -- that is true...but that part comes only AFTER you've satisfied yourself of your right to shout out all the anger in your heart. You can't possibly feel so much pain and rejection and suddenly jump to forgiving when you know you deserve justice.  

If they leave, let them. Never beg. Never stand in front of  a door that has already been shut and locked to keep you out. And if you think of retribution by getting back at the people who've made you feel like shit, STOP. Giving yourself 'justified justice' does not mean stooping down and becoming too cheap. Let yourself be immersed in silent anger and let that feeling turn into unbreakable PRIDE. 

Love is just an emotion. You can turn things around and make it work to your advantage. Keep your heart on a tight leash for a while and let your goddamn brain work for once. Think of it this way: If you yearn to breathe fresh air in the midst of all the smoke, try to suck it all in first. Let the stench linger for a while. The more you expose yourself to intoxicating fumes, the more your body becomes immune. That ability to withstand everything becomes your growing armor. 

It's only in the beginning that people will forget you; it's only in the first stages of letting go that they'll treat you as non-existent. But so long as you've planted the best memories in their minds, trust me, even the coldest of hearts turn warm in time. In the process of letting anger overcome you, help yourself regain what you may have lost. Look at your image in the mirror and convince yourself that you are worth every goddamn respect. That overwhelming feeling of resentment will mold you into someone tougher; the feeling releases strength you have hidden in your system. By the time people realize what they lost, you'll be swimming in what you've gained. 

Forgiveness will come at the proper time. Don't force it. Remember that you cannot completely forgive when you have a broken soul. Premature forgiveness only satisfies THEM and leaves you drowning in self-pity. Forcing yourself too early to forgive and forget is like giving them the privilege of washing their dirty hands and get away scot-free. In real life, you know that is not what you want. 

Pick up the pieces first and mend your wounds. If you have to use pride and anger as adhesives, DO IT. Let time naturally sweep away all the negative feelings in your heart. It will happen without you knowing it. When it finally heals, you won't feel anger anymore. What's left is a very strong heart -- one that is willing to go to battle with a tough armor; one that is ready to LOVE again.  

This is not called bitterness. This is just how you deal with it in real life.

Something from 2006..

The hardest thing about trust is not the part when you’re trying to earn it… It’s the part when you foolishly lose it. It’s like glass - - shiny and exquisite - - but when you scratch it, the damage that’s been made is embedded forever. No matter how beautiful it was crafted, what is visible only to the heart is the mark which signifies deceit and pain.

Love doesn't have to be this hard. It doesn't have to hurt real bad. Love is beautiful; it’s the second greatest thing to having life…But why does it give me pain? Am I spreading my love too thick or have I lost my identity in the midst of giving it my all? Love and trust always go together, as I know. One without the other is dangerously incomplete… fatal even to the strongest relationships. Love alone will not stand—for trust is the pillar, the foundation of all things worthy in any commitment. How do you cope with love knowing there's the absence of trust?... if the former is present but the latter is shattered. 

Unfortunate events have paved the way for me to feel miserably doubtful of everything I've worked for in life. Small voices in my head relentlessly whisper nasty pictures of deception. And the feeling grows intense the more I try to rid myself of these wearying thoughts. I find that every day is a struggle. Each turning of the clock signals the start of bloody confrontations of the pros and cons in my head. I am trying to hold on as much as I can, but at times, I give in to the weakness of being a mere mortal. I can feel the fragility of my heart that even the most harmless words may deliver the hardest blow. I am stepping on the threshold of severe emotional instability, yet nobody’s there to give me an assuring hand.

Within me is an empty heart, one that feels numb and somewhat cold. Something was lost...or probably died down. I want to get it back but I don’t know how. I want to be strong but frailty creeps through my veins. Nobody should be made to feel rubbish like I do. This is how I am punished. 

Recovery is remotely possible...at least for now. If I were to mend my heart, it would take time -- lots of it. I can bounce back but I know I won't be the same anymore.

Time will tell. 

For better or for worse...til death to us part?

A dear friend asked me to write down my thoughts on the proposed Divorce Bill in Congress.

I have to say, airing my thoughts would be tantamount to opening Pandora’s Box and reopening avenues in my heart I have indefinitely closed down for repairs. This is too close to home but then again, keeping my mouth shut would also mean pretending to be blind to an issue even I would have to deal with sooner or later. I am typing this down while hearing my loser neighbor shouting at the top of his lungs and throwing a crisp “putangi@a mo!” to his pregnant wife. If I can’t run him over and make it look like an accident, I still fantasize of one day being able to punch him in the face and break his goddamn nose. Seriously, he picked a perfect time to make me hear his horrendous curses again.

The word DIVORCE is still considered taboo in the Philippines. I’m not surprised at all. Exceptionally strong Catholic beliefs handed down to us by our forefathers have prevented this country to even touch on the subject.  You must be cunning enough not be tagged as the Devil should you lobby in favor of the bill in Congress. But while I understand that the FAMILY is deemed most sacred in Philippine culture, I can’t close my eyes to the injustices done WITHIN this basic unit in society.

Let’s get down and dirty, shall we? – In the Philippines, more than 50% of cases filed in court are due to domestic violence against women. You’re talking about more than a thousand souls yearning to have their day in court and defend themselves against abusive husbands. These are countless women forcing back the tears while telling stories of how they were abused, maltreated and battered by men who swore in front of God to love, protect and cherish them. Sad to say, these men seem to have skipped the idea that they’re SUPPOSED to keep that promise for the rest of their breathing days.  

Protecting the sanctity of the Filipino family is a good thing. I believe that… But I also believe that before you can build a fortress around the family, you need to zero in on the INDIVIDUAL first. The primary thing any State should provide is a person’s basic human rights and seriously, when it boils down to the marriage of two individuals, there are not enough provisions in Philippine law books to address that.  Sure, you can file an annulment and pray that your claim of ‘psychological incapacity’ breaks through -- but what if you can’t prove that? What if your case falls in the hands of the wrong judge? You end up with no choice but to carry the name of a man you have grown to see as a hindrance to your personal peace. Divorce, however, changes that. The Bill clearly defines the grounds for abolishing a marriage. Simply explained, it provides the woman more options other than claiming that she married a lunatic.

As much as we want to follow the teachings of the Church, we also need to understand that you cannot build a strong family when the core is a dysfunctional bond between a wife and a husband. There has to be a strong sense of mutual respect between a man and a woman for them to nurture a real family. If you don’t have that, tons of effort and gallons of tears will not save a marriage. You end up with two estranged individuals – and most of the time, it is the wife who bears the entire burden. She becomes the punching bag, the shock-absorber and the recipient of hurtful words even a sewer rat can’t swallow. Ultimately, she morphs into the fool who played by the rules – and failed miserably. With that in mind, would you still think it’s still justified for people to say that DIVORCE is not good? How can we claim that we respect our women when we can’t even give her FULL benefits of the law in a failed marriage?

It is so easy for people to think you are too weak when you give up on a relationship. The world is too quick to judge people who seek to terminate their marriage. I can’t blame them. They are only spectators watching a battle between David and Goliath. I can honestly tell you though – it is far different when you’re the one in the middle of the messy situation – when all your efforts have gone to waste because the other refuses to meet you in the middle. I guess most Filipinos are still wrapped in this idea that whatever God has joined together, no man should tear apart. I say that is not ENTIRELY true. We are human beings equipped with brilliant minds to think. We are not robots programmed to do things and NOT feel any emotion at all. There are things that are not meant to last; there are things we need to let go in order to start a better life. Being boxed up by the law and your fears of what the world may say is not what the Lord wants. God wants you to be happy too. And if it means cutting the bond, then so be it.

If I may play with simple words, consider it this way: You can only build a kingdom when there is a king and a queen who rules side by side. You can’t make it grow gloriously when one is sitting at the throne and the other is locked up in a cold dungeon. Soon, something is going to give and you’ll have a battle as bloody as hell – and your children, being the witness to it all, MAY grow up emotionally disturbed and lost – if not rebellious in many ways.

I say these words because I have gone through that before. I understand how it feels and I respect women who have lived through the worst and survived to tell their tale. I am lucky though because I was able to forge a friendship with the father of my kids. We may live separate lives but in the eyes of our children, we are still family. Some are not as lucky as I am. So many still drown in their tears at night; so many end up black and blue; and so many become emotionally and mentally unstable.

Unless you know how painful it feels to be shoved to the wall with nowhere else to go; to be spat at; to drink two or three pills to kill the pain; to accept rejection; and to fall on your knees because of a load too heavy to carry,  YOU have NO right to tell me I am wrong.

This is for the women who feel they have no voice. This is for my son-of-a-b@tch-neighbour’s pregnant wife. This is for my good friend, Cherrypie. 

Tubbataha Reef

For the hungry minds:

Something fishy…

There’s probably more value underneath a coral reef that was moulded through thousands of years than we know of. If such classified information falls on greedy hands, you should expect something to happen. Voila! We now have USS Guardian ramming and destroying more than 1000 square meters of the protected site.

Certainly, we are far from capable in digging up what’s precious underneath Philippine waters and Tubbataha Reef, being protected by International Laws by virtue of it being listed a World Heritage Site, is virtually untouchable. So how do you unearth what’s hidden all that coral without getting your hands dirty? – You ask the world’s SUPER POWER to do it for you.  No, they will not come armed with C4 explosives and detonate it under the sea. All they’ll need is to sacrifice a naval warship to clear the area and dig up something probably worth 1000 times greater than a 277 million dollar chunk of steel.

Will we ever get to know what’s really cooking? Of course not – that’s classified.

See, the best way to hide something is to put it out in the open – something I learned from author Robert Greene. I may be thinking too much but then again, I may have just learned to open my mind wider than my eyes. Everything you need to know is printed in black and white. It all depends on how much YOU, the reader, are willing to let go of that “engineered ignorance” brilliantly embedded in our minds by unseen yet very powerful hands.

Indeed, some are REALLY smarter than others. 

A Very WHITE Christmas indeed.

And now we have the Senate President who played Saint Nicholas and gave a whopping P30 Million to his fellow Senators. 

If you try to read today’s newspaper,   understanding this bribery issue looming in Senate will not be that easy -- especially for the below average Filipino. It’s unethical, to say the least, but when you talk about endless provisions in the Constitution, the LAW makes it sound legitimate. If you take the side of the politicians, you’d probably be convinced well enough that it’s just part of allocating funds that were left untouched by the office of Noynoy Aquino when he vacated the 24th spot in Senate to assume the highest seat in government. BUT when you take the side of the simple masses, the word BRIBING would definitely take the place of ALLOCATING and what is considered LAWFUL is UNJUST – plain and simple.

Let me tell you a short story that touched my heart in many ways -- Last Christmas, our home help approached me and asked if she could grab a few minutes of my time. Judging from the look on her face, I knew she needed money. I was bracing myself to adjust my already depleted budget and lend her P1,000 just so I can extend much needed help. I thought to myself --“Bahala na. Pasko naman, keribels lang yan.” So the day went by and every time she passed in front of me, I would give her that signal that it’s okay for us to talk. By mid –afternoon, I was sipping coffee with my headphones blasting in my ears when out of nowhere, she tapped me on the shoulder and said “Maam Apple, pwede ko po ba kayong makausap?” I smiled and asked her what the problem was. She was teary-eyed and her voice was trembling. I knew she was trying so hard to muster up every ounce of courage to say how much money she was hoping to ask from me. I didn’t want to prolong her burden so I said “Sige na, Angie. Magkano ba yan para mahusgahan na natin yang problema na yan.” So she looked at me and said “Maam, nahihiya ako pero makikiusap po sana ako sa inyo. Pwede po ba ako makahiram sa inyo ng ONE HUNDRED pesos? Wala na talaga akong mahiraman at kailangan lang po ng anak ko.” I looked at her straight in the eyes and laughed! Naknampoodle naman, Universe! For a mere P100, she was an inch closer to bursting into tears and practically beg! I gave her more than what she asked for and then she said she’d pay me back. Tumatawa ako when I told her “Angie, huwag na. Tumigil ka na sa pag-emote. Sasabunutan kita eh. Pinatagal mo pa. Kapag ganyan, magsasabi agad. Haist!”

With that story in mind, I read every line of the news today with so much disgust in my heart. You have millions of Filipinos fighting to survive. Last Christmas alone, you have thousands of calamity victims who lost their homes and yet, we hear of politicians exchanging monetary gifts as if it came out of their own pockets. And may I say that accepting the questionable amount is just as bad as giving. Imagine -- P1.6 million if you have been good; P250 thousand if you weren’t. MOTHER OF ALL……….how in heaven’s name can you ever accept such injustice? And don’t tell me the Commission on Audit will still review how Senate handled the disbursement of funds. Sick bureaucracy will have the issue buried 100 feet below the ground before any modern Robin Hood dares to expose every damn detail to the general public.

Absolute equality is JUST an IDEA. In real life, it is never really ‘achievable’. In Philippine society, the Jaguars and Benzes will always be miles apart from the simple pedicabs and karitons…but even if such conditions prevail, these people in government - AT THE VERY LEAST- should have played their dirty cards closer to their even dirtier chests. This is like those alleged stories of the Marcos family holding lavish banquets with fountains flowing with expensive champagne while the rest of the nation struggled to keep food on the table. I’m guessing that a few months from now, the lucky recipients and their families would be posting tons of pictures on their private Facebook accounts – pictures of themselves fashionably strutting their stuff in private resorts and other expensive destinations while the poor Filipino taxpayer is perpetually neck-deep in debt.    

It’s all in a day’s work in Senate. You don’t reach that coveted spot for nothing. Clearly, these people know what they’re doing and they’re damn good at it. Clap clap clap.

P.S. When you go out and vote this coming election, be SMART. Stupidity is strictly prohibited. 

1% Inspiration, 99% Courage..

..when I was in grade 7, I was very poor in English. I remember being called by a teacher and she laughed when I said something which was grammatically incorrect. I felt the horror of humiliation and the thought of spending the rest of my miserable life in the school I never thought of as my second home...but I took that as a challenge. I told myself f*ck subject-verb agreements --I'll learn in my own way. So I started to read pocketbooks until my eyes begged for sleep. I watched English based movies and shows on TV. Imagine watching Batibot and forcing yourself to switch channels and look for Sesame Street instead. Brenda Walsh wasn't my favorite character in Beverly Hills 90210 but I remember mimicking how she spoke. Thanks to Judith McNaught, the unknown authors of Colliers and Doogie Howser, I was able embrace the habit of reading and listening. More than 20 years after, I don't get laughed at or tremble when I speak the language. Yes, I do have occasional nosebleeds when I speak but not as much as I did before. Happy enough to say that the little girl who belittled herself would, in her college days, be asked to edit articles WRITTEN by the editor-in-chief for the college paper, got nominated in the college council twice, got invited to be an English/Speech trainer for call center agents though she's still an undergraduate, write articles on the net and even be asked to compose a speech for her already brilliant lawyer sister. I'm writing this down not because I want to be pompous. I am far from being all-wise. This is because I feel humbled at what I was able to do despite my fear. It's a small feat compared to others but conquering that part of my life changed how I perceived things. 

This is for a special friend who needs a little push. I didn't get it right the first, second or third time. There were countless moments when placing a paper bag over my head was the only thing I wanted to do...but then I realized, how the hell am I supposed to breathe if I do that? And so, I had to put so much effort in order to learn new things and RELEARN things that were already taught to me when I was younger. 

The thing with GOALS, it's always a few feet ahead of us. If we want it, we have to walk a little faster..and if needed, we have to RUN. Our dreams will not stop and wait for us..it will not walk backwards just so we can catch up.

YOU, my friend, have so much to offer. Don't listen to the world's b*llsh*t. Listen to your own voice and make IT happen. Remember that there is no point in dreaming if you won't be brave enough to take the first step. Damn it, life is too short. Do your best to be the greatest you can ever be while you still can.