For My Mommy from Ruffa

It’s been a while since I last looked at her...and I mean REALLY looked at her. As a child, I painted a picture of her as the tiger lady in my head. My knees would weaken at how she gave us that menacing look whenever she wanted something done. She gave me mixed emotions of fear, respect, love and more fear.  Thirty two summers later, my mother… the tiger lady, looked different. She no longer has that fierce look on her face. She looked calm but her eyes told me she was tired. Yesterday, she came home with a small bandage on her hand. She said she went to the doctor. I was concerned and I wanted to ask what’s wrong...but I was too scared.

When I was a little girl, I remember how she sang a Tagalog song that had “...at kung ako ay mamamatay...” lyrics. She had a beautiful voice but every time she sang that song, tears would well up in my eyes. I fought hard not to sleep for fear that when I wake up, she wouldn’t be there anymore.  I grew up to adolescence being my mom’s Apple. I used to say to myself that I will not marry and I’d rather be with Mommy until she grows old. For years, I adored my mother. I looked up to her like she was a goddess…like Hera, the Queen. She portrayed a person full of control and so much love…and yet she can turn you into a pitiful creature if you went against her wishes. I used to watch her put on makeup and dress really smart when she was still fairly young. I felt jealous when she caught the attention of people I don’t know.  Mommy had this ‘mataray’ look that I feared but loved so much.  

Through my growing up years, I heeded to her every wish. I went through boring piano classes, wore extremely uncomfortable girly dresses, learned ballet and attended finishing school...all of which I hated… but because Mommy wanted it, I followed. In my teen years, she was overly protective of me and my sister. When she told me I couldn’t entertain any suitor until I hit 18, I said yes. When she gave me a thumbs down on a certain boy, I would immediately get rid of the individual. And when she disapproved of my choice of school, I didn’t feel proud of myself. Her approval was always so important to me. She was the Queen, the LAW and everything powerful back then.

It was only during a regretful part of my family’s life that I started to disconnect from Mommy. I didn’t want to but I saw how she became easy prey to a certain marriage upset between her and my father. I can’t explain how my world was shattered when I saw how my Mom lost control and made life so miserable for me and my siblings. It was then that I started to rebel.

I drew my strength from my family and when she lost her grip and made us feel so much pain, I too lost the will to be the loving daughter. I forgot the woman whom I looked up to. I started to see her as someone too overbearing and insensitive. No longer did I wish to be by her side. My disappointment and sadness prompted me to make a series of reckless decisions and I blamed her for it. Probably, she also learned how to despise me. For years, my mom and I would have skirmishes at home. There would be that classic scene where she’d say something I did not approve of. I would cry with anger and storm out of the house, cursing her in my mind. She was the proud Annabelle...and I was rebellious Ruffa. 

I am ashamed to admit it but for so long, I carried hatred for her in my heart. I always thought nothing I ever did was good enough for her. She made me feel like I was the problematic middle child. I can’t even remember how many times I prayed about it or how many gallons of tears I wasted. I just told myself I will never be like her.

 I’ve been wanting to write something about her for quite a while but I never had time. Probably, my hesitations also made me set aside the idea.  Why her? I might as well write about my kids, my Morning, my life. Today, I changed my mind. The last time we had an argument was a few months ago. I did not say anything. I just turned my back and told myself to ignore her. For three months, I treated her as a ghost. I would walk past her and pretended she’s not there. I felt nothing. Life though has its ways of teaching me a lesson about family no matter how hard headed I may be. A week ago, I had a problem with my eldest. I asked help from my siblings but they could not do anything. I was too proud to ask my parents so I carried the burden alone. Mommy found out about it and through my sister, she extended help. The proud Annabelle held out her hand to the even prouder Ruffa. As if nothing happened a few months back, Mommy asked me to be with her. I wanted to cry but I forced the tears back. I was unsure of where to place myself. She didn’t say anything; she just talked to me in a calm voice. Without words, she made a truce with me, waved the white flag and calmly welcomed me back in her arms.

I see myself now not as the rebellious child. I am more like the prodigal daughter. My stubborn attitude failed no matter how hard I tried to keep it firm. Looking back, I acted the way I did for years not because I hated her. It was because I love her so much and her disapproval shattered everything I believed in. All the pain I caused her, the times we made each other cry…I regret so much.

I look at her now and see so much of myself in her. She’s a proud woman and so is her daughter. Rosemarie is very outspoken and so is Apple. She went through so much and still survived…much like what I went through when it was my time to experience pain. She can love, practice patience and forgive like no one else can...a part of her that I am also trying to follow. I am slowly proving myself wrong when I said I am completely opposite of who my mother is. We are the same in so many ways. I may look more like my father, I may have tagged myself as Daddy’s girl…but inside, I am my mother. . I am mini Mommy.

I can only hope life will give me more time with her. I want to be the daughter I should have been. I want to be her closest ally, her friend…her Apple.

I want to share to the world how sorry I am and how much I want to be close to you again. I want to be the one to curl your hair every day; I want to be your personal driver; I want to go to places with you and Candy; I want to go to the mall with you, accompany you to the doctor and be Daddy’s ‘kapalit’ when he’s not around to assist you.

I want to hear your laughter again…but this time, I want you to be laughing with me.

Raise the roof, Mommy! You’ve always been the one who kept us together. You’ve always been the source of strength in this family. I am old now but just like your little baby 32 years back, you still carry me in your arms.  I can’t promise to be a perfect daughter but I can do my best.

This is for you. I love you, Mommy!!